The Sounds of Silence

So, I am sitting here in quiet contemplation. The kids are farmed out.. Jasmin spent the night with my cousin and her kid.. and Caitie had to "take care of Nana's cold". Steven is selling fireworks for his Mother's company again today. He worked 3 10 hour days this week.. and likely to have an even longer day today. Hopefully he'll be home to ring in the New Year with me. :(


Anyway, back to quiet comtemplation. I, of course today, am thinking about the past year, and looking toward the new one. Most people do this in one way or another on new years eve.. so I am not alone.. just read my blogroll.

The past.

2005 all in all has been a decent year for us. I am so thankful

We have all been remarkably healthy. Steven did ave a quick run of pneumonia in January, but he had insurance, and sick days to use. So it wasnt traumatic. The girls havent had much to speak of. Caitie had pink eye once, and her tonsils out, oral surgery and one cold... believe me when I say.. for her? Thats remarkably good. Jasmin had a cold. And I had a quick one.. but nothing more.

We lost Steven's Aunt Mary, and Uncle John. But no one else. This year saw Steven's brother survive rare cancer. Today he is cancer free. I have family members who are growing old and I fear for them in 2006, but in 2005, all of our loved ones were safe.

We have a home. There are so many who lost thiers this year. The tragedy of the tsunami in Asia, and the awful losses from hurricane katrina make me so thankful for what we have... even if the floor is weak, the bathtub drains unexplicably slowly and youd better not turn on the ceiling fan in the livingroom.. it has a short. Every time I think about how I hate this tiny little trailer.. or the walls feel like they are closing in on me. I remind myself. "I did not have a 20 ft wall of water crash through my house this year".

We have a car. It has character. You have to try several times before it actually starts. The doors squeak so loudly that they can be heard through closed doors. (Steven calls them his "alarm system") But it runs. It is paid for.

We did lose Steven's job this year. It has been a devastating loss. I am a stay at home mom. So we went from one decent income to practically nothing in a split second. But, we are safe. Steven was not denied nor penalized in his unemployment. More important to Steven, the state could not find him at fault. Even they agree that is was nepotism and not poor work that caused his termination. So our bills are paid. We have food stamps and medicaid, and we did get a tiny bit behind to my Dad in the three weeks that we were without income. But its ok. He understands. And Tax refund checks will be on thier way very soon.

2006 the future

I love looking ahead to a clean slate. Knowing that there are mistakes that will be made is not frightening. I dont make "resolutions" setting myself up to feel inadequate from the start isnt such a good idea. I make goals.

This is the plan

This year I want to connect better with my kids. Stop the screaming and make better choices about discipline. Create teaching moments instead of spankings. I want to be more patient.

This year I want to be more healthy in my relationship with Jasmin's Mother. I need to deal with my issues of insecurity and let go of the past. I need to channel my dislike for her into helping Jasmin deal with what her mother has done to her. I need to remember that if it does not benefit Jasmin.. I should not say it.

This year I want to be more aware of my eating habits and to make excercize a priority for ALL of us.

This year I want to "harden" my shell when it comes to my Mother. To allow comments she makes about my child rearing to roll off my shoulders. To not allow myself to be hurt or annoyed when her opinion doesnt match with mine. I want to be less quick to jump and quicker to listen and then react.

Then there are set in stone resolutions that Im begining as new habits.. remember it takes 21 days to set a habit. Do it 21 days in a row and its yours

1. limit eating out to ONCE a week.
2. eliminate all regular soda. Drink only diet.
3. Drink 8 glasses of water a day.. thats three 16 oz water bottles.
4. take at least 15 minutes of time for ME a day. Even if it means getting up 15 mintes early
5. no more pajamas all day. get dressed. do my hair and make up, even wear shoes. We are not a hermit.
6. Read through the bible. If Marie McDowell can do it. I can

So there you have it. My thoughts and goals.. nothing remarkable. Just me trying to do better. Really, thats all anyone needs to do. Make this year better than the last, by just trying to do things better. ;)

Happy New Year.