selfish

Tell me, Why do we as Mothers allow ourselves to feel guilty all the time? When we take a moment to ourself, or do something that doesnt neccesarily benefit the kids or our husband FIRST, why do we pause? Why do we second guess decisions when it comes to our own sanity?

Im pretty sure that it starts when we become Mothers, because I dont ever remember feeling guilty about taking a bubble bath, or eating the last of the ice cream before I had kids. I dont think I really thought much about how one decision or another might affect the other members of my household before the girls were in my life.

Today I caught myself feeling guilty for doing just that, and I am putting a stop to it.

In case you havent been reading along, I am a nanny, childcare technician, babysitter, whatever you want to call it. I keep a pack of kids at my house m-f roughly 7 am till roughly 7 pm. All are family members, save one little boy whom I have been caring for since he was 8 wks old.

Today the mother of one of said children called and asked what I would charge her to add her older daughter to the ranks for a week begining Monday while her summer program was on break. I paused. My daughters were clear on the matter. Not NO, but HECK NO. I saw Thing One roll her eyes and sigh, and Thing two throw herself dramatically onto the loveseat with her hand backward over her eyes in a faux faint. I ignored them.. but could not resist the urge to do the same and meekly use a word that I am not generally very well aquainted with. I peeped it carefully, rolling around in my mouth a little before I said it.

"no", I said.


Dont get me wrong,we could use the money. I dont work outside our home. I am a stay at home mom. At times financially its been a hardship. Mentally its been hard at times too... how can I stay home and play play-dough and read books, and watch sesame street when things get tight financially? Is it fair for me to send Steven off to work so hard when I am at home playing? Steven assures me that he prefers me to be home, and weve been over the numbers.. The cost of childcare for two kids is just too high for it to be worth my working some minimum wage job here in Dillon.Still, Ive tried to do whatever I could to help out and pull my share in our finances. Yet still I said it.

"no"


I dont get along well with the child, whatsmore she is a difficult child who is a HUGE presence in any group of kids.. I had to draw a line in the sand and put a cap on the number of kids I can handle. Any more in this little house, and I might go crazy.After the conversation ended I sat in mild shock. Not only had I said THE word. I had said it not for the dramatics of my daughters. I said it for my very own selfish sanity.

It felt SO good.

So good in fact that I think that Im going to be more careful with myself.I think I'll watch the commitments I make more carefully, and be less worried about things. I think Im going to say the "NO" word more often without worrying about what someone else might think. I think Im going to go take a bubble bath.