humble pie

Ive had to make some changes. I hate moderated comments. Makes me feel like the blogger doesnt trust me... and the reason for the changes is quite related to something like that. Please continue to comment. Ill approve them..just let me read them first.

If you recall, I had mentioned that lately Steven's ex had been acting strangely toward me. Odd.. distant... ugly even. Now, I know why.

She's been reading my blog.

Ive said some mean things.( I was never revealing when in reguards to her actual identity ect.. but still, I wasnt nice.)

She knows what I REALLY think.

Whats hardest is, I am sorry. I truely am. Not only that I got caught, but honestly for what I said. (If you know me, you realize how hard and rare this is for me) Ive been dealing with my "issues" when it comes to her. Its not an easy relationship to have. I am not a perfect person. I apologize if I came accoss as thinking that.

She made some comments about hypocrisy in the church.. and yeah. Im not a perfect vision of what a Christian should be. Who is? I have faults, and issues.I am changing, and growing, Trying to be a better person, everyone is. If we didnt then we'd be dead. Knowing Christ doesnt insure perfection, only forgiveness.

She also made comment about my insecurity... only she got it a little wrong. I am not insecure about my relationship with her exhusband. I dont worry that she'll try to get him back.. or that he would leave me for anyone. Steven loves me. I dont doubt us. We are good together. They have already written that book, I am secure in the fact that it is closed.

I am however, insecure about my relationship with my stepdaughter. Its so messy. If youve never been a step parent you cannot possibly know how it feels. I became a parental figure to Thing One suddenly. I didnt get to work into it. Suddenly I was responsible for this whole other person. AND she didnt really want me to be. She missed her Mama.She wanted her Mama to be around. Yes Thing One loves me. She really does.I dont doubt that either. Here is the thing.

Thing One's Mama will always be the "real thing" Her butter to my margarine. Good..but not quite best.There is a scene in a Julia Roberts movie "Stepmom", it kills me every time. Julia is talking with her stepchildren's mom who is dying. She talks about the daughter's wedding. She goes through the scenario, of doing her very best to be what the daughter needs, and all the daughter can think of is. "I wish my Mom was here." The biggest fear of my life? To have Thing One look back at her childhood and think. Miss Michele was there.. but man I wish my mom could have been.The very worst thing? It is already happening.

I am the "mean mom".. the enforcer. I have to be the heavy all the time. I do bedtime, and bathtime, and rules. I am all about sunblock and toothpaste and homework. I have the responsibilty of everyday. Dont get me wrong. I love it. Every second. Id fight to keep it.But rarely am I "fun mom". She on the otherhand? IS "fun mom". She swoops in every other weekend. She lives at the beach. Her house is all about eating out, swimming pools, and build-a-bear.Thing One doesnt have responsibilites there, and she gets to play with her half sister that she misses all the time. I cant compete.I wont try. It wouldnt be good for me, or for Thing One.

Here is something that WILL be good for her though. From here on out. I am promising to work hard at my additude. To recognize that my insecurities affect other people, namely Thing One. If I am annoyed? I will be quiet about it. If child support is late? I will leave it in Steven's hands to deal with.If something is said or done that I dont agree with. I promise to address the exact issue, and not everything that I have ever been annoyed with.

Im not promising perfection... only a concerted effort to do better.