In wich I whine and confess my jealousy

Warning... there is a lot of whining in this blog.. and wah wahing and a lot of other unattractive things.

I am jealous. There. I said it.I confess. I am so jealous it makes me feel a little ill at the stomach. Its SO unattractive and I cant make myself stop. My cousin is pregnant. And I am HATING it. Im trying so hard to be supportive, and a good friend and everything through it.Since she is a single Mom and going through a hard time. Im even her labor coach. But GRRR!!!! Today was SOOO hard.And it was unexpected too.. just out of the blue. Today I was jealous.

Today was our church's annual Family fun.. go sit in the hot sun and bake while the sportish ones play sportish games day. And since she goes to our church, she was there.. in a cute maternity top. Something that is really more my style than her usual one...something that I would totally have bought if I could ever get my stupid body to cooperate with me and get pregnant. I kept looking at her.. walking that "Im pregnant" walk and the way she stood with her hand on her tummy, and I wanted to die inside or worse, be rude and make snide comments about how maybe having one child out of wedlock should have taught her a lesson....Thankfully I didnt do either.. but as a man thinketh.. so is he.. ya know?

I know I know.. there are a lot of people who cant even have babies. and I should be so much more than thankful for the two that I have. I am. believe me. I love my girls.. to distraction. They are my whole life. But I guess since getting pregnant (and having it last long enough to be able to tell anyone. since I suspect at least one if not two misscarriages in the last year) is something I really really want...its just like any other infertility. Heartbreaking. Its a wierd feeling... like a failure of some kind. Like, Steven signed up to be married to a wife who could provide him with another child.. and Im not.(havent YET that is) So its hard not to feel like I am failing him. Even though I know that he would never want me to feel that way.

I do know someone who recently (like in the last year) found out that they cant have kids as a couple at all. Ever. Its one of those totally lame situations, since they would make really really good parents. She is a teacher, and he is like one giant kid.. Some things just dont make sense ya know? Anyway. I dont know them well enough to talk about it with either of them, but I know that it bothers them. So I try really hard not to mention our infertility since my life is already full of kids and family and all. But MAN today was so stinking lame.. I was like obsessed thinking about how unfair it is that she is pregnant and I cant be.. and then bummed, and then I got snippy with my her when she was whining about some pregnancy thing. (wich as a pregnant woman is her God given right) when we left I was ashamed for allowing myself to be that way.. and for sniping at her. I am so lame sometimes.

lame lame lame.