yay freaking hoo.

Someone I care about announced this week that she and her husband are expecting. I want to be so happy for them. And to help or whatever, especially since her family is far away.

Im just not equipped to deal with it. Not again, not so soon after I was so involved with the birth of Em. I cant I cant I cant.... today. Ill get over it, But I hate it..today.

I know that there are others who deal with a lot more.. since I have a biological of my own already. BLAH.. Its still the same ache. The same missing feeling. The same self esteem issues. I want my body to do something.. and it wont. It hurts.

Thats all I have to say about that.

home again home again.

I am back. We had a really great week. Camp was exactly as I remembered it. Little sleep and wide open all day long, only to have little sleep again. PHEW! I am not as young as I used to be. I rarely feel it. BUT wow. It took it out of me for sure! But honestly? If I weren't working? Id go back again next week! (I know I am a glutton for punishment)

Steven missed me.. and I really really missed him. Poor baby has pink eye really really bad. In fact he was sent home from his first week at work because he was oozing green stuff. (ew) We also lost a big chunk of the oak in our yard in a storm. Thankfully it just fell on the porch swing and nothing was damaged. Just knocked power off and reset the AC to 80 degrees so steven and the babies had one hot night.

A baby that I had been keeping, who's mother lost her joba few weeks ago, is back in my care. YAY! Means a little more money each week.. But should prove for interesting days when I start keeping tootsie. ( my cousin's baby Emma) But that isnt for another 2 weeks. So I'll be able to get everyone off and back from camp and my house back in order before I have six kdis from ages 2 mos -11 years to deal with.

I'll have something more meaningful to write about next time.. maybe ;)

hello muddah hello faddah...

I wont be checking in next week. I am off to spend a week giving back.. counseling at summer youth camp. My childhood memories of camp are so awesome. We had a little church camp on a lake about an hour from home. Little Beaver is another of my "happy places" The plumbing was iffy, and there was a "smell" to the dorms.. like wet dog and hairspray. But my spiritual experiences there make it El Bethel.. my hidding place. I loved it there. I worked there every summer from when I was 15. I was a camper, a kitchen worker, a counselor, a babysitter for the speakers kids.. I worked in the "snack shack" and helped in the rec shack. I pulled canoes and logged in lifevests. Until I was old enough to be a counselor, and then I did it year after year.One summer I went to camp in the last week of June and was there every week until August in one capacity or another. Great great memories.

And now my baby will start her camp memories this year... she'll attend the first week of July. And I will be off this week.. its not Little Beaver.. but it will be the same camp. Awesome memories, and a great time. Terrible food and worse beds.. but a hidding place from the world.

Oh Boy Alberto!!!

The first names storm of the season is blowing in my yard as we speak. Alberto is pretty tame.. just weepy. Weve had sooo much rain that everything in my house feels damp. The ceiling is leaky and I awoke this morning at 6 am to water pouring into my bedroom through the window where we have an air conditioner. Fortunatly I managed to catch it before it got all of the clean laundry that was in a basket below it. However my curtains did wick it up to make the folded t shirts that are stacked on top of a small dresser all wet.(we have NO storage space in this house, so our clothes are imaginatively stored in odd places) Thankfully though I think the rain is ending and the wind is pleasant. Tommorow is slated to be a scortcher though..

Thing two and I were delighted to be "puddle squishing" last evening,since it rarely rains here in summer, when there isnt lightening accompanying it we dont get to play in the rain too often, but since this was just rain she and I "squished" all the puddles in the yard on our way home from visiting with my parents. Her infectious giggle, and the delight she took in playing with me in the wet was worth cleaning up the muddy puddles in the hallway. After cleaning up, Things One and Two and I snuggled on the couch and watched one of my personal favorite movies "Summer Magic" with Hailey Mills and Burle Ives. Its a reaaly great one with fantastic songs that stick in your head for days... *sings* "Gotta crawl gotta crawl gotta crawl to the ugly bug ball to the ball to the ball, and a happy time we'll have there... one and all at the ugly bug ball"

Infertility Road

This blog might get a little touchy feely and pretty transparent. Maybe even a little gross... no apologies. Ive said a million times, if you are easily offended or dont want to know things that are semi-personal in a semi-annonomous way.. then go read something else.

Just to recap or whatever. Steven and I have been trying to have a baby for.. a really long time.Most people wait till they have been married a few years.. or have been together awhile. But we have NEVER used anything to prevent pregnancy. But then our relationship is like nothing I have ever seen before. We met and we just were.Like we were two halves of a whole.. automatically an "us". There was no wierdness. We didnt "date" in a traditional sense. Honestly. Our relationship has changed very very little since we first met.We have grown together of course. But,I knew from the first date that he was the one and I wanted to make a family with him.

We just havent gotten there yet, I have whats called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Most commonly known as PCOS or PCOD. In its most basic description, and in my case, its just insulin resistance. My body spends so much time dealing with the insulin I cannot process that it forgets to make enough progesterone, whose job it is to notify my poor confused ovaries to release an egg every month rather than hang onto it. The egg matures and gets all packed for the trip.. but it has a crappy travel agent. So it gets all pissed off and bitter, and throws up hard walls around itself creating an ovarian cyst (that occasionally get inflamed nad nasty they hurt like.. WOAH NELLY!)
A few other fun things that come with PCOS include Irregular or absent menses,
High blood pressure ,Acne, Migranes,impossibly high Elevated insulin levels (like three times what is normal the last time we checked),or Diabetes (not yet thank you Lord!)Excess hair on the face and body (I dont even want to talk about that.. its painfully obvious that I deal with it though.) Thinning of the scalp hair (not tooo bad yet) and not least but last Weight Problems.

With the birth of yet ANOTHER baby,I was reminded again of the destination of the road Steven and I are on.That its not just annoying detours, crappy truckstops and visits from the dreaded "Aunt Flo". A "blogfriend" (someone you know only through reading eachothers blogs and commenting to eachother) had a baby girl this week. She has seriously been through some stuff to have that little kid.She not only had PCOS issues, but dealt with the inability to maintain a pregnancy after she finally achieved it. I dont have that problem. I produced Thing Two with no problems. So anyway. This "friend" had her little Victoria after a really hard scary emergency c-section and a whole long time of trying.. She is really cool and fun and is going to make a kick butt Mama. It was touching.

But mostly it gave me some new resolve. There are some things I could be doing to make this better that I am not. Carbs are the ultimate enemy when dealing with insulin resistance.. so I need not eat them.. at all. So I am going back to seriously limiting them. I can do better. So If you know me, and see me eating carbs. Slap me..or not.

The Wearing of the Orange

Steven is now officially gainfully employed. He will be working at the brand spanking new HOME DEPOT in our local area, working in the paint department. I'll be frank, the pay isnt great. The benefits are so/so and there is a 40 minute commute involved. BUT its a job. And I am so happy just to have SOMETHING.. I cant tell you how happy. SOooo if any of you locals need paint? Steve-o is your man. The manager tells him that he has more paint and management experience than the dept manager... so there is room for upward movement. He starts week after next.

I havent been blogging much due to total full out busyness. Our church put on its annual Vacation Bible School FIESTA!! WOW, and we were wide open all week. It ran 400 nightly and was pretty successful. Tonight was the finale for the kids and they were all pretty wound up. There was a nightly offering contest between the boys and the girls... the childrens minister promising that the male staff members would COW TOUNGE TACO if the girls gave more, his wife and her counterparts promising to eat jalapenos if the boys were victorious. AMAZINGLY (and contrary to the laws of nature and probability) it was an EXACT tie... watching the staff choke down mexican cow tounge tacos was pretty funny. The youth pastor totally "tossed his toads" according to Thing Two, whom, as a lover of all things dissgusting was THRILLED.

We were on "vacation" from The Boy this week, and it was nice. He has been such a wild thing lately. But I am glad that they are home safely and will be back with us again next week. I'll be glad to be back into a routine with him once Steven goes back to work. Soon after I'll have Ms Em, since Steph is going back to work the week of July 4th.

Summer camps also start pretty soon. I will go Jun 19-23 and then Thing One the the week after. Finally Thing Two will venture out on her own.. soloing for the first time. THREE nights. Im struggling with the thought of it a little. But I know she will be in good hands since our own Kids minister will be preaching there that week meaning his wife and other staff memebers will be close at hand. She may even have a semi-family member as her "counselor" since Meg a cousin's girlfriend will be there.

We are heading to the beach tommorow to celebrate the new job. YAY

Raising kids is like yard gardening.

Raising children is a lot like yard gardening. Just stay with me and I'll explain.

Lately I have been noticing different people's parenting styles. Comparing them to mine and I have observed some things. .

Its interesting to watch how a mother's upbringing and childhood experience can MASSIVELY affect her parenting. I have been watching my cousin who has been staying with us recovering from the birth of her daughter. She was basically neglected emotionally by her Mother growing up. In response to this she practially smothers her children with love. She tells them a million times a day that she loves them. However she is so afraid that they will feel slighted or neglected if she repremands them, she just doesnt.Her 8 year old is not required to respect adults and talks back. She basically just does as she pleases.

You can imagine how well this has gone over in MY household! I was aware of the behavior of the 8 yr old before now. But it never affected me personally, so I never thought much of it. I pity her mostly, because life will prove to be a hardship for her unless she learns to respect authority.

Also this week I have had to learn the hard way the old addage. "Parenting isnt a Popularity Contest". I never really understood it until I had my children. I always thought I could be best friends with my kids. I had a friend who was really his Mom's best friend and I admired thier relationship. It wasnt until recently that I learned that most times? Its not possible. You cannot be your kid's friend. They dont need a friend. They need a parent. Its a very different relationship and they NEED it. Kids thrive under structure, and they NEED to be molded with discipline.

If you are a frequent reader you will recall that Thing One is grounded this first week of summer vacation. If you havent read "In wich I am a CSI Agent" feel free.. its an amusing read. I hate punishing my girls. But I dont feel guilty when I do, not most of the time. This week has been particularly hard since her "offence" was so long ago and her behavior between then and now has been her really great. Her usual well behaved self.But one thing I do try to do with my girls is to keep my word. I say what I mean, and mean what I say.My word is my bond. When it comes to them if I say its raining? They better get an umbrella. I like it that way. They'll never wonder about trusting me to do as I say... both in the hard things and the fun stuff.

I also know that if I dont keep them at hand they will grow like wild weeds. Dandeliions,unruly and annoying, not really good for anything. I want them to be more like a well groomed hedge. With purpose and a direction. A good hedge takes work. Weeding and grooming. Constant direction. Like a beautiful rose bush, kids have to be corrected, sometimes even pruning them back to bare branches. Knowing that for a time it will be hard to look at them, but that in the end a beautiful garden will be produced. Great fruit, and beautiful blooms.

Im a AUNTIE.... again

Emma Grace Hofferbert

May 25, 2006 6:58 pm

8 lbs 5 oz

20 inches long

Well.. she's here, and thank goodness its over, and I am home. Stephanie did pretty well. She did give us a scare when she got her epidural though. She had been having contractions about every 3 minutes for 5 hours. Her blood pressure had been pretty high all morning. When she finally dialated far enough to get her "good drugs" the anesthesiologist administered her epidural and her blood pressure immediatly crashed. She passed out and had a small seziure. Emma's heart rate also crashed. I felt pretty helpless except to stand there and pray. The Dr's sprang into action and gave her drugs to kick start her BP, hooked her up to some oxygen, and flipped her onto her side. Both sprang back pretty well. It was no big deal to the nurses and the Dr, since this happens pretty often I am told.. BUT I needed to put my head between my knees and take some big breaths for sure! Not long later she was able to push and Emma was born in just a half hour of pushing! It was fast and furious.Not at all like my own labor that took 30 hours. I got to cut the cord and hold her soon after she was born. AMAZING experience. It was like you could feel the angels in the room.

So anyway. Congrats to Stephanie, and to me, and whoever else wants to claim this kis :)

and shepherds kept thier watch by night...

Yup, thats right STILL on baby watch. I think she will just stay in there forever. With the way I am talking you'd think it was ME that was pregnant.

Today is my mama's birthday. Its depressing me. I feel this funky wierdness creeping up on me. Not because its my mother's 55th birthday... but because with the arrival of HER day.. I know that there are only a few short days until MINE.

I am totally dreading my birthday this year.I do not wish to be THIRTY at all. I dont want presents or cake... I just want to go to bed and not wake up all day long. Maybe if I dont get up all day, it wont have happened and I will go on being "young" forever. I cant imagine that so much time has passed. ( Yes, Im whining, But its my blog and I'll whine if I want to)

OR I want a HUGE party where I can eat chocoalte cake and greasy pizza and not have to do the dishes from it.

NAH.. I just want the years I feel like Ive wasted back...and that set of lavendar 400 count egyptian cotton bedsheets I didnt buy tooday.

A few things

I have a lot going on today. And nothing at all.

Ever see the "I Love Lucy" episode when they were waiting for little Ricky to be born? Like sitting around looking at her waiting for her to say "it's time" . Thats us. She has contractions.. but not regularly enough to be called actual labor. Her back hurts and she is carrying the baby so low that it looks like one good sneeze and shed shoot across the floor.

I read a lot of Blogs..And someone who wrote one called "Caner, baby" about cancer and infertility died this week, even though I didnt know her personally, I still feel this crazy sense of loss. So sad, she was just 33 yrs old. Three years older than me.

The season finale of Greys Anatomy was on last night. Gut wrenching. One character in particular Denny a heart patient, the love interest of Izzy, died. She lay on the bed with his body..in shock, and Alex, usually a cad and a lamehead someone whom she had been involved with before she met Denny. Picks her up and craddles her in the most amazing tender way. Both Steph and I were sobbing like two giant crybabies.
Meredith slept with McDreamy again.. it was lame. five steps forward Nine steps back. GRRRR. AND she could have had Chris FREAKING O'donell. He is sooo totally yummy. All scruffy and sexy. That show had almost to much going on.. like 4 major story lines. It was 3 hours worth of GA.. and I was HAPPY.

Cleaned all day like a mad woman. They say pregnant women "nest" right before they go into labor. If thats true I am going at it full force for stephanie who is on bedrest.

Anyone have some "get that labor started" home rememdies? Since she is single, having *ahem* "vigrorous relations" as one website suggested is out. We will be going out to get some raspberry leaf tea this evening and will be taking a lonnnng walk.
Anything else?

Gone

In to the night
Over the moon
beyond the stars
and into His loving arms....

Jessica, I know you're holding your babies that never were in heaven right this very minute. I know they came running when they heard the call that you were approaching the gates.

Cancer, baby
Jessica

1970-2006

Some things about my Mom

Being that tommorow is Mother's Day Ive been thinking about my Mother.
I am so blessed to be close to her.. both litterally and emotionally. I wanted you all to know some things about her.

My Mother's name is Leanna.She was born in Colorado May 23, 1952. She was the oldest daughter to Clinton and Faye Allison. She was raised in Fruita and Grand Junction and had two sisters. My Aunts Carrie and Cindy. When she was 13 Faye and Clinton divorced and Faye married my Papa Louie Marinelli. Making her the eldest of 7.A few years later the family moved to Washington state She graduated from Issaquah High School, and in March of 1973 she met my father Ed Martin while working at her stepfather's gas station. They were engaged in May and married August 18,1973. I was born 3 years later in 1976 with my sister to follow in 1979. She was a stay at home mom raising us, and many of her nieces and nephews along with all of our friends and the neighborhood with love and undivided attention.

She raised me to be a stong independant woman, yet she showed me by example how to be a good wife.

She taught me to cook, and to keep a good house, and to treat my husband with a firm, yet submissive hand.

She showed me how to pray, taught me that going to church was important, and that my relationship with the Lord was more important than anything else.

She taught me by example that when I place others ahead of myself it is only for my own gain.

She shows me that being cheerful about something is better than whining about it.

I think that I am quite likely the person that I am because of her.




She and I have been through a lot together.

She nearly died shortly after my birth due to a botched c section. I had only been home from the hospital a few days when she hemmoraged and nearly bled to death internally. When I was a difficult teenager she stood behind me and pushed me through. When I was pregnant out of wedlock she held my hair when I puked, bought me lemons when I craved them, went to every Dr appt and held my hand for over 30 hours of labor. She cried with me when early motherhood was difficult and walked the floor outside my room while I learned to do it myself... and then flew to the rescue the minute I called for her. She loves my choice of husband, and took his child from another relationship as her grandchild seamlessly.

I am so blessed and thankful for her.

The Divine Miss Emm

Just a quick update. I am sooo stinking tired. We are still waiting for Miss Emma Grace to make her appearance. Stephanie and I spent most of the week in the hosptial (watching hours and hours of the FOOD network. Steph was tortured) Waiting for the OB to either induce her labor or let us go home. Finally this morning they gave us our walking papers and will have us back to the office on monday.. probably to addmit her to be induced. But I digress.

We are both wayy tired and glad to be home to the babies... Im sure Steven who has been running Daddy Daycare is glad we are home for the weekend.

I will keep you posted.

Thing Two's refuge

I was thinking today about thing two. She really is a neat kid. She plays so imaginatively.. then I got to thinking about little girls and thier bedrooms. Her bedroom is a refuge. The only place on this earth that is uniquely her own. I have molded it a little.. provided decorations. But really she has made it her own. Its all full of her treasures. Her own designs and her personality.

She IS pink fluffy canopies and vanities. She IS a line up a flower laiden faires parading accross her wall. She is a Disney Princess. (How many kids do YOU know who have personally met ALL of them THREE times?)There are tiny piles of even tinier dolls and thier much tinier accesories. Ponys and thier playmates.. and piles and piles of clothes..that spill out of her dresser out of the closet that is not barred by a door but sparkling rows of tinkerbell beads.

There wont be another single place in her life that will be so indicative of her personality. She may have her own aparment, but she'll hide away her personality in leiu of being S"stylish" She certainly wont have piles of tiny dolls and rocks and shells hidden in shoeboxes.

I love that about being a little kid.. and I hope that it will be a long long time before she begins hiding her personality and making it look "stylish"

In wich I am a CSI agent

I am CSI agent MOMMY. And I have cracked the case.

Thing One is busted.

Here's how it went down.

Sometime last week.. I suspect monday or Tuesday, a flyer was circulated at Thing One's school. I have not actually SEEN said flyer since it was detroyed in hopes of removing evidence of guilt..but I know it exists. AND since I am Judge, Jurry, and the prosecution in this case.. I will allow testimony to stand without the actual evidence.The flyer promoted a non school sanctioned PROM. (for 11 yr olds? yeah. for 5th graders) Said Prom was to take place friday evening in a very very seedy area of town.Yes indeedee booty shakin would be goin down in D town friday!

My cousin's daughter,the co-defendant (we'll call her curly top) and Thing One, who are often in cahoots, began the deception.. (attempted deception that is) when the flyer was not presented to thier parents upon reciept. Had this happened? This issue would have been closed and the problem stopped before it began.. but they conspired to commit treason.

Thing One spends every other weekend with her "biolgical female non-custodial parental unit". (hence refered to as JDL) Thing One aware that this was said weekend, and that her chances of talking JBL into allowing her to attend the PROM were FAR FAR greater than the than if she petitioned Steven or I.(she was correct in her deduction.. it'd be a cold day in hell before Id allow her to be DROPPED of at a place where I didnt know the adults or whatever. THERE IS NO WAY) She decpetivly kept the event to herself. The treasonous act was in play.

The day of the crime.

Things were going as planned. Thing One would clear said PROM with JBL. Upon hearing that Thing One would be allowed to attend the PROM, Curly Top's parental unit would assume that said approval was passed by Steven and I.Allowing for the fact that Steven and I are FAR more strict and more protective of Things One and Two than they are of Curly Top...Our approval would surely convince Curly Top's parents that attendance of said PROM was acceptable.

Thing One would then arrange for JBL to pick up both her and Curly Top here, dropping them off for later retrieval. They would attend said PROM without Steven or I's knowledge since we were conviently out of town chaperoning a Youth Worship Conference at Myrtle Beach with no ill effect.

This is where things went south for them.

JDL had car trouble. (as usual) Her alternator was broken and she would not be able to drive to Dillon to complete the plan of the defendant. I, who was unaware of the plotted scheme, didnt mention the fact that her Maternal Grandparents would be delivering her to her mother at the beach until directly before my departure in a last minute phone call. OH! To have seen the look on her face!

This was a major problem to the plan, It was sinking fast as the Titanic. Frantic, Thing One begged my Mother for the use of her cell phone to call JDL long distance,and clear the PROM with her so her Grandparents would make the drop off and the plan could be salvaged. My Mother (God Bless her) smelled a rat. She informed the defendant that since she would see her mother in a few short hours that communication was not neccesary. Defeated but not destroyed Thing One returned home to devise yet another plan.

In desparation, Thing One telephoned her Biological Maternal Step Grandfather and requested that he relay the message in refernce to the PROM to JBL and would he PLEASE have her to call back as soon as possible, thank you very much?

JBL completely unaware that treason was being commited, and assuming that Steven and I were informed, agreed to said prom and began to make arrangements for transpotation.Typical. SHe could have foiled the plan had she asked then if Steven and I were aware of the scheme.. but she was her usual uninformed self.

The snag that made all the diiference.

Curly top by now in full force, all systems go to convince her parents that since Thing One is allowed to attend the prom that she should too. The dad and mom were thinking... this didnt sound kosher. Something was amiss.. and when Curly Top's mama glanced outside and noticed our empty driveway, she KNEW something was very wrong.She made a call to my mother, whom she informed of the dance and the plan being hatched. Who called us (on the borrowed cell phone that we had in our possesion since I am the labor coach for my very very pregnant cousin and needed to be reachable)

Upon hearing this, Steven called JdL and put a stop to the plan. Thing One was busted and Curly Top thwarted. The plan was dead.

This court finds Thing One GUILTY of treason, the intent to attend unacceptable functions to commit illegal forms of bootie shaking, and the attempt to put on over on Mom and Dad. For these actions she is sentenced. One week complete and total, utter groundation. No phone, no friends, no tv. no Music, and no books other than the bible. There will be chores to be completed and this time is to be served from Monday at 6am until Friday at 6 pm the first week of summer vaction. This sentance may not be commuted, changed or otherwise altered. This is the word of the court.

We stand at recess.

A swift kick in the butt

So,

I had to get over it.Sometimes you just have to have a good cry. Whine in your blog, and then wash your face with cold water, blow our nose, and suck it up soldier. I mean really. You cant go around all wierd and jealous all the time. I still want to have a baby, and Im still sad that we arent preggo yet. BUT You have bad days and good days. Sat was a bad day, today was ok. I went with my cousin to the Dr. She has been having some wierd swelling and cramping. Personally, usually I think she is a little wimpy and whinish. But seems that this is real and her OB is a little worried she might have preterm labor. Not super duper worried, but worried enough to have her in every week until the baby comes.so we have to go back again in a week... and then I think we'll NEED to go shopping and then to get ice cream at Cold Stone Creamery (yay for banana uce cream!!) Anyway. Its not terrible though since She is 33 weeks and a baby born after 28 weeks is viable, and anything after 35 weeks is within normal ranges. ( 38-42 weeks is ideal though) We just gotta keep her pregnant for at least 3 more weeks then everything will be cool. In other news I am speed crocheting a baby aphgan for my other pregnant cousin. She is having a boy.. we actually saw her at the OB in Florence (See why I am a raving jealous lunatic? Babies everywhere!!) Her shower is this Sunday.. so I gotta boogie on it. Miles to go still on it.

In wich I whine and confess my jealousy

Warning... there is a lot of whining in this blog.. and wah wahing and a lot of other unattractive things.

I am jealous. There. I said it.I confess. I am so jealous it makes me feel a little ill at the stomach. Its SO unattractive and I cant make myself stop. My cousin is pregnant. And I am HATING it. Im trying so hard to be supportive, and a good friend and everything through it.Since she is a single Mom and going through a hard time. Im even her labor coach. But GRRR!!!! Today was SOOO hard.And it was unexpected too.. just out of the blue. Today I was jealous.

Today was our church's annual Family fun.. go sit in the hot sun and bake while the sportish ones play sportish games day. And since she goes to our church, she was there.. in a cute maternity top. Something that is really more my style than her usual one...something that I would totally have bought if I could ever get my stupid body to cooperate with me and get pregnant. I kept looking at her.. walking that "Im pregnant" walk and the way she stood with her hand on her tummy, and I wanted to die inside or worse, be rude and make snide comments about how maybe having one child out of wedlock should have taught her a lesson....Thankfully I didnt do either.. but as a man thinketh.. so is he.. ya know?

I know I know.. there are a lot of people who cant even have babies. and I should be so much more than thankful for the two that I have. I am. believe me. I love my girls.. to distraction. They are my whole life. But I guess since getting pregnant (and having it last long enough to be able to tell anyone. since I suspect at least one if not two misscarriages in the last year) is something I really really want...its just like any other infertility. Heartbreaking. Its a wierd feeling... like a failure of some kind. Like, Steven signed up to be married to a wife who could provide him with another child.. and Im not.(havent YET that is) So its hard not to feel like I am failing him. Even though I know that he would never want me to feel that way.

I do know someone who recently (like in the last year) found out that they cant have kids as a couple at all. Ever. Its one of those totally lame situations, since they would make really really good parents. She is a teacher, and he is like one giant kid.. Some things just dont make sense ya know? Anyway. I dont know them well enough to talk about it with either of them, but I know that it bothers them. So I try really hard not to mention our infertility since my life is already full of kids and family and all. But MAN today was so stinking lame.. I was like obsessed thinking about how unfair it is that she is pregnant and I cant be.. and then bummed, and then I got snippy with my her when she was whining about some pregnancy thing. (wich as a pregnant woman is her God given right) when we left I was ashamed for allowing myself to be that way.. and for sniping at her. I am so lame sometimes.

lame lame lame.

CALVIN!!!

I am in deep deep trouble. I have come to the conclusion that Thing Two is far smarter than I first imagined. Dont get me wrong, in no way did I suspect that she was dumb, quite the oposite. This is only a further example of her intelligence... and my doom. She is way smarter than me.

Last night we had broccoli and cauliflower for dinner. I am in the school of thought that my kids really need to eat veggies.My mother thinks that they shouldnt be made to eat things they dont like (I want to know where THIS woman was when I was a kid.. BUTTERBEANS ew ew ew ew) But if they werent MADE to eat veggies they would get little if any fiber. Or all the other vitamins and minerals that are in green veggies, orange veggies and the like. There are comprimises I have made. Thing One doesnt have to eat lettuce..ever, and neither of them eat raw tomato or onion, or mushrooms, pretty much most veggies. BUT I do insist on some form of greenery most dinners. I dont get all exotic on them and I try to keep things pretty kid friendly.

Last night Thing Two won. She really got me. Tuesday and wednesday nights are hectic for us. Choir practice and church services call for quick dinners and generally a McMeal one out of two. Last night was no exception. I made a pork roast, brown rice, and a steamed veggie mix from the freezer (carrots, broccoli and cauliflower) Thing One choked hers down.. washing each bite down with koolaide like a pill.. I say Do what ya gotta. Thing Two pushed hers around the plate hiding it under the rice and generally whining and making me annoyed.Suddenly she beacme quiet and in minutes presented me with a fairly clean plate. Smiling my secret "Mom wins" smile. I excused her from the table.

I did not learn of my defeat until today when Steven was arranging the cushions on the dining room chairs. Neatly piled under Thing Two's chair cushion was..... You guessed it. 2 broccoli spears and a pile of mooshy cauliflower.What makes this her "point" is that I was sitting accros the table from her... and didnt see a thing.

trust

trust


Ive been thinking a lot about trusting God.. Not meaning that I dont now, or that I am doubting him.Just about the actual act. Our goal is to worry about nothing. To completely release our lives in every aspect whether it be the mundane or the life shattering to his will.For me, I guess it isnt so much about TRUST than SUBMISSION

Historically I have a pretty hard time with authority. Ok a REALLY hard time with authority. I do not like to be told what to do. I do not deal well with structure.I am a free spirit that doesnt like to be held down. I even went to an alternative high school that totally fed my authority problems. As students we were self governed and had very very little structure. I have come to learn that it wasnt the actual authority figures that gave me a headache. But the submission that authority requires.

*** Bunny trail... Seeing as I personally have such a problem with structure and authority I find it totally strange that I am a strict parent. I am all about vegtables, bedtimes,homework and rules. I am WAY stricter than my parents were with me. hmmmm wierd.***end bunny trail.

I cant believe that I will EVER be in permanent submission to anything...sadly even God. Its turning into a daily thing.. And since it mentions something that effect in the bible I cant believe that I am the lone ranger in this problem. Submission is how we die to self and live in Christ.

This isnt my problem. I have a problem with submission, its established. But this is what I am afraid of. If I have to daily remind myself, repent and work so hard on it. Will we ever come out of this horrible spiral of financial hell? If I cant trust blindly will we be poor forever? I know that God as our Father doesnt punish us. He isnt in the business of throwing financial lightening rods at our checkbook. But truthfully? I cant help but feel a little punished. Im working on it though.

total comedy

hahahahah haaa hhaaheee hee ohhh ha ha ha


So, i thought that everyone might like a good laugh...especially the ladies out there who TRUELY understand what this is about!!! This didnt happen to me.. however, I think that considering that it is certainly something I am capable of? I thought Youd enjoy it.

Subject: hair removal Hair removal-warning you may need a towel

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

in wich I feel like Forest Gump

I feel like Forest Gump.

You know how when someone is in your life.. you know them?What I mean to say is, when someone is an active part of your life, you recognize every outfit they wear. You know that they recently got a new haircut.. when you see thier car riding down the street, you wave.. you know its them.. cause you know thier car. You also know thier friends, whats going on this weekend and whether they have seen the new movie that came out on DVD this week.

I am missing my sister today. Until recently (ok so its been almost a year) she was living right here on the Martin compound..

(let me explain that a little. We live in the country. On a certain dirt road, that half way along has some no tresspass signs on it... past the signs? I am related to every soul that lives there. Next door to me? My parents and Aunt.. Across the street? A cousin and her family. Down the road a little? My Aunt and Uncle. Its all family back here.Some days a blessing, some days a curse.)

and I knew her life. Tonight when I turned on my little myspace page.. there was a new picture of her and she looked so different from the last time I saw her that it hit me like a ton of bricks. I dont know her life anymore and I hated it.

I missed her being here so much I could barely breathe.

I know that she is where she ought to be. And that her life is so much fuller in Alaska.. better even. But just for tonight... I am selfish and wish she was here, and that I knew her clothes, her car, her friends and whether she has seen Chronicles of Narnia or not.I saw something funny and I wanted to take it to her.. I saw something at walmart that I thought shed love.. but she is in Malaska.

I want to call her and tell her to come home RIGHT NOW. But I wont, Im not a big bawl baby, so Im not crying.. but my eyes are all runny and my nose is all snotish...

SO in the words of Forest Gump...

"Thats all I have to say about that ."

triumphant return

I didnt die

I know you thought I did.. or something else awful..

well sorta. I have been using MYSPACE to blog. But I tell ya, today I had a total meltdown trying to post a pic with my blog. I like to illustrate my blogs with pictures.. and on myspace you have to have a webhost.. and its a pain in my patooty.

SO here I am back at blogger.. and happy as a clam.

I will be back-blogging. A few of the worthwhile bloggs from myspace. SO happy reading.

goin to see the MOUSE

One week from tonight, I will be packing to go to DISNEY WORLD!!!
After back and forthing about whether we could justify taking a vacation while Steven was unemployed, and if it was smart to go or not, we decided. If we could get a really good hotel rate and if we were careful with spending we could afford it. I am soooo exited.

A lot of people dont understand my affection (affliction?) with WDW. I really cant explain it. Only to say that it is our "Happy Place". No worries, no problems, just us. I really think that its where we first became a "family" three years ago. Everything there is good. People try to be better people when they are there. It really is magical.

Yes it is "magically expensive" and yes they really have a racket with all the gift shops and commercialism. But you just cant put a price on the sound Caitie makes when she is on an adrenaline rush. Or the look on Jasmin's face when she conquers a fear. The way that Steven feels when he opens that first turkey leg :) lol If I am ever having a bad day, I just get out our photo albumns from our trips and remember. Its worth it then

Soooo.. I am super exited, and you ll have to deal with me ranting about packing, and then the trip reports when we get back... deal with it :)

spinning gears

This has been a pretty darn good weekend. I keep humming and smiling to myself. I am finding it difficult to contain my happiness... Here's why

Friday morning I awoke and as normal checked the bank account to balance our checkbook. my account balance read about 5 bazillion dollars more than I anticipated. YUP. The IRS had mercy and sent our tax refund. All of it. In a panic I called the IRS and asked about the "mistake" Thier response was... "Mrs Lane. You are in what you call a paperwork loop. Your income was low enough to not require you to set up a payment plan, and the amount of the bill has not been assesed to your account yet. You still owe the money, but youll just have to refile your income with us when you get another bill." I asked.. "umm so in enlglish? This money is mine?"
She responded "Have a nice day Mrs Lane"

wait... it gets better.


About 10 am Steven called our weekly call to check with Child Support enforcement to encourage the collection of what his ex owes us (Sometimes, when you want something you have to stand on thier feet until they pay you to go away IE If we bug them enough, they will do something) And they responded "Mr Lane, there was a payment made on Thursday. We'll be sending you a check out later today.. the amount? 3 bazillion dollars."

The check came saturday, along with the 401K payout check from Steven's last job, and a paycheck for me from the State for keeping the little man.

I could die. I can buy socks, and namebrand toilet paper.

YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY

God is so good.

Really a very good day

It is so pretty out today.. feels almost like spring. It smells fresh and clean out and there is a pleasant breeze blowing.Its in the low 70's and just feels soo good out. Its days like today that make living in this wretched place bearable. Knowing that it is not above 20 degrees in Alaska and that I may have been able to send my kids out bundled like little eskimos for mayyybe 20 minutes, and here I have all the doors and windows open and will easily send the kids out to play until supertime with out jackets at all makes it livable.

It looks as if I may be made a liar of. Steven's ex may actually be coming through and paying her childsupport like she has been saying. reportedly she was on her way to town to pay the bill in order to see Jasmin this weekend. I am skeptical of course. But fact is? It looks good. Thank the Lord! There are so many "extras" that I love to get the girls but havent been able to justify them with Steven being unemployed. YAY for shopping. YAY for a short vacation. YAY for childsupport enforcement. (You realize that all of these "YAY's" are still contingent on her doing what she said.

I have been reading a lot of blogs lately. Mostly this odd addiction I have. I love to read the blogs of families adopting from China. I love how exited they are to get thier daughters and how nervous and how wonderful they all are. There are TONS of them. They have a whole language (the adopters.. since obviously the Chinese do) of thier own and a network and a mascot! They put ladybugs on everything.. its soo cute. I think, that if Steven and I had ohhh like an extra $35 thou hanging around we'd totally adopt from there.

Thngs that make you go... " do what?"

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
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2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)
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3 OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
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4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
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5. There are three religious truths:a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
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6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
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8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
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9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
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10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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11 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
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13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
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14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.
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16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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17 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
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18. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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19 Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
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20. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
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21. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells
"THEIRS"?

**warning** mooshy super sappy post

Last night's Grey's Anatomy was sooo good (of course it always is) I wont go into the story or anything because I know you all watched it :)

The part that has me thinking is where Meridith tells McDreamy that she cant remember their last kiss... the last moments they were together as a happy couple. She makes the point that you never know that a certain kiss will be the last one.(of course He CAN remember, in great detail, and recounts it so sweetly that she falls for him all over again)

And she's right, you dont. My husband just walked out the door a few minutes ago, and I blew him a kiss and didnt bother to get up and go downstairs to kiss him properly. Will I live to regret that? The fact is, its a possibility. Not a HUGE possibility since he just went accross the street to watch the WWF show that my cousin Tivo'd for him. But still.

I also thought about past relationships and other people in my life who are gone now. The last moments I talked with my grandparents, or a kid in our youth group that commited suicide. The last time I remember being happy with an old boyfriend before things went South. Its funny to think, in that moment, it was just like any other day. Nothing special.

I guess what I am saying is we need to be more careful with our loved ones. Live each moment like it was the last.

I'm Bananas

Tonight Steven and I went to the grocery store to pick up something for Thing 2 to donate to her class's "not really a Valentine's Day Party" since you cant send home baked goods anymore (! How odd!) We were just shopping around, not really needing anything and just enjoying being out of the house and away from the kiddos. And I found something that made me so happy it was rediculus. I mean really.

These teeny tiny little bananas. They are soooo cute. And perfect since the Little Man only eats a few bites at a time. I was giddy with glee at these little baby bananas. Then I tasted one (I had to eat one right?) They are sweet and the texture is smoother than bigger bananas. They have a kind of apple-ish flavor and they leave a spicy aftertaste. I realize that I am discussing bananas not unlike you would a fine wine.. but seriously they are soo yummy.

So anyway, I got home and started thinking about bananas and looked them up. There is yards and yards of information on them... here is some of what I found.

Among the banana plant’s most remarkable features is that, despite its average height of 30 feet (about 9 meters), it is actually a perennial herb related to the orchid and lily. It bears huge, podlike purple flowers, and its individual long, slender fruits, or fingers, are technically berries. The banana is believed to have originated in Malaysia. India’s Islamic culture names it as the famed fruit of knowledge and in that version of the story it is said Adam and Eve covered themselves with banana, not fig, leaves. Today, the world’s greatest producers of bananas include Costa Rica, Panama, Honduras, Guatemala, Mexico, India, Brazil, Ecuador, the Philippines, and Indonesia.In many Latin American and Asian countries, banana leaves are used in place of plates. The leaves work well as wrappers in place of aluminum foil for holding and steaming foods. In Malaysia, the banana flower is cooked and eaten; in Africa, a beer is brewed from bananas.Because bananas emit a gas that promotes ripening, placing an unripe banana in a paper bag or breathable container with other produce will encourage the produce to ripen more quickly.



Banana, 1 medium
Calories: 108
Protein: 1.2g
Carbohydrate: 27.6g
Total Fat: 0.56g
Fiber: 2.83g
*Good source of: Potassium (467mg)

blogging away

This has been a pretty hectic week. Crazy in fact.Mostly because Steven and I have been opperating on very little sleep since Saturday night.

Tanus. (TAY-NUS) is a yellow livered sheepish German Sheppherd puppy who until this week lived in our back yard. He was brought in oringinally as a guard dog But we quickly found out he was a wienee.Tanus is a baby, who barks all night long... and did so ALL night saturday night. I slept mayyybe 1 complete hour. Sunday night, the same thing, monday night, again with the barking, whining and howling. Thankfully last night was the begining of the reign of peace. Tanus has gone to be a "stud dog" with a family member FOREVER. Dont get me wrong. I love our pets, and I was sypathetic to Steven who got a little tearey eyed to watch his companion be driven away (to a FARM with room to run and play, wild animals to chase, and FEMALES who actually want his attentions.. I mean cmon its like big masculine doggie heaven) BUT THANK YOU GOD TANUS IS GONE. I slept sooo well last night in beautiful peaceful silence.

Today our lack of finance caught up with us. I am begining to get that "ohhh Lord pease tell me where the money for these bills is coming from" feeling again. Our insurances are due in 2 weeks. And then Thing 2 called from the elementary school. Her SHOES were pinching her feet and she was hobbling around (according to a slightly amused teacher.. I didnt think it was very funny at all)I am aware that it is time to buy both Things One and Two spring/summer clothes and shoes. Thing two especially is starting to look "raggedy". She has grown a LOT this school year and has gone up TWO shoe sizes since I last bought shoes for her.Daddy went to Wallyworld and bought her some tennis shoes and took them to her. (everyone say AWWW)I was so embarassed. Its the first time that my child has needed something and I truely could not provide it for her. I was hoping that she could hold out for just a couple more weeks until what little tax refund we are getting this year gets here. I know that it rested pretty heavy on Steven since he refused to discuss it. It'll work out. God knows the need as well or better than I do.My pride is being spanked pretty soundly though

Spanglish

I just watched the first movie I have seen in a REALLY long time that I felt was worth anything.And shock of all shocks ADAM SANDLER was a headliner in it!

Spanglish is the story of a mexican immigrant who comes to work with an upperclass LA family as told by her daughter in her Princeton application essay. Adam Sandler,Tae Leoni, and Cloris Leachman are incredible. Even Penelope Cruise is really really good.

Its this mexican mama's battle to keep her daughter grounded, and normal, and the way a spoiled self involved white woman realizes that she loves her husband.

One scene I absolutely loved was when the white wife, who has been having an affair is talking with her mother and her mother says to her.. "This is when I say to you, your low self esteem is just pure common sense" OMG! How great is that?

I think the thing that I loved most about this movie was that the characters didnt disapoint me and give into what most people would. The father (Adam Sandler) and Flor (Penelope Cruise) are confronted with the opportunity and even the permission to commit adultery. And yet they dont. Flor says to the man who is holding her in his arms. "There are some risks you just dont take when you have children" And she was so right. When you have kids you cant always do just what is easy. You have to make the hard decisions and do what may be harder, but will bring the safer outcome.

LOVED LOVED LOVED this movie. I am still in shock that Adam Sandler can actually be a serious actor. He was amazing. Yay for him

Overtime

Last night was our first "overtime" with the new rules in place. It was smoooooth. We were able to shut down the street between the family life center and the church and "bull pen" the kids into a specific area. They werent allowed to hang out at thier cars and they didnt run in and out. Everyone that was there had a pretty good time and we had no problems. It was so nice. Parents seemed to appreciate it too. It was nice to leave without worrying about what might happen.

When we were leaving I picked up some of the yellow "police line do not cross" tape and Steven and I wrapped it around My Dad's truck before going to bed last night. HAHA HA HAHA. I havent laughed more in recent days. My cousin woke up at 430 and began to panic and waited till 7 and came over to ask what had happened in Daddy's truck Daddy assumed it was another cousin being silly and he ranted and raved all morning about that stupid kid and how he was gonna light him up with the beebee gun when he came again.. Steven and I laughed the whole morning about it.. Finally we gave in and tol that it had been us.. only now I am afraid we have begun a war.. I'll be watching my back for the next few weeks for sure :)

Thing One and Thing Two

It has come to my attention that maybe having my kids names listed on the internet is a little risky.. what with all the other information I have in my blog, and the fact that I suddenly had a HUGE spike in my blog readership (why? why? why?) some creepster might try to obscond with them.. so I have gone back through and edited it. I have a blogfriend that calls her kids "thing one" (the elder)and "thing two" (the younger) and I love that since it is a Dr. Suess reference, and it protects the "innocent" The other one will be dubbed "the boy". Call it plagerism call it cheating.. but I'm calling it mine. If you know me at all, you'll know wich child Im speaking of, and if you dont you can email me if you got a question.. and if I trust you not to be a creepster.. youll get my answer.

A new season

We had our first week with the youth after Rodney departed (moved not died). Things went really really well. I was really happy. It amazed me how the kids repsponded to the changes. The structure is going to be awesome. The new security measures worked tonight. Let's hope that it continues to go so smoothly. I think a lot of the kids were here tonight to check things out.. see how it was going to be with the new people.. next week will tell the tale.. how many kids we'll retain, and who will leave. But I think we may keep more than I orginally thought. yay us.

Brian preached about sowing seeds and asked "What's growing in your garden" For some reason the subject seemed vaugly familiar.. like I'd heard a sermon not unlike it from someplace else.. maybe I have. Its a good analagy. In the very end, he bagan to touch on "a new season" and it struck chords in me.

I have been praying for direction for after Dalton goes to preschool. All this past year I have felt like he needed me. That there was a reason for my being home to care for him.. but I really feel like my time with him is over. I am ready to move on. Not to say that I wont miss him like crazy, and that it wont be traumatic for me to let him go... but I know that it's time.

I think that God may be birthing my career.. finally. I think I know what I want to be when I grow up. Ive been researching and looking into attending Massage therapy shcool. For years I've wanted to complete my nursing degree. I am nearly to my LPN only missing I think one or two classes. But something keeps getting in the way.. mostly the math classes. Something just didnt gel with me.

Now I know why. I have this philosophy. Americans dont touch each other enough. All things and notions sexual aside. Basic touch is lacking. As humans we need it. We need human contact. Ever accidentally "touch" someone? I bet you apologized. I know that massage has actual physical benefits.. muscle relaxation, toxin release. But I think it also has major emotional benefits. Its proven that it releases endorphins, seratonin and all the yummy feel good chemicals. It makes you emtionally feel better. So this is my vision.

I want to create a "feel better" place.Like a day spa only better. A quiet relaxing space where you could make an appointment for a massage, take an uninterupted bubbble bath in an awesome clawfoot tub or take a Vischy Shower. (a shower that has strategically placed shower heads) Have a seaweed scrub, a foot massage maybe drink a cup of tea or a smoothie. I know it seems like a lot. But I know that I'd pay good money to have a space like that... to have a place where I could actually schedule "me" time. "yes I have a 4pm appointment for a bubble bath and a massage" The exectution of the idea is still marinating in my mind. It'd have to be an imaculatly clean, and super super classy place, in order to escape the old west bath house feel. Id have to be choosy about my clients.. maybe limiting it only to women.. and then have something separate for male massage clients.

Im praying about it. In the mean time I am looking into massage therapy schools in the area and how I can pay for it. Id have to work in local hair salons to work up a clientle. But I want to make my own place an eventual goal. YAY me. It feels good to have a direction to be thinking of.

2 years

Today is the two year anniversary of the day that Steven and I were married. Our actual wedding anniversary is March 27. But 2 years ago today in front of only my immediate family in our little living room, we set things right. A friend from work came and said the most meaningful prayer and we spoke our vows.

Our actual wedding was beautiful. The cake, the flowers, my sister sang some amazing stiring music. My dress was perfect and the girls were so pretty. I even had my best friend all the way from Alaska to stand beside me.

But when I think of when Steven and I were married, my first thought is to that quiet moment in our living room, where everyone else that was actually in the room disapeared.

Recently I was thinking about that day, and praying for Steven. I saw that evening,As we stood there and our friend prayed.I noticed all the other people in the room.I saw all the "partners" from my past who had come to stand behind me.one after one they filed in.I saw Caitlin's biological father and another man whom I'd been engaged to. I saw my first boyfriend and the man id been dating when i met Steven. Each of them holding a piece of my "heart". Behind Steven, I saw his ex wife, and other women I knew he'd been with, each holding pieces of his heart.I began to panic. I certainly did not want to "marry" all of those people, and I did not want to force Steven to "marry" my past.I wanted to scream at "us" not to do it. It was at that moment that I realized the seriousness of purity. The commitment of marriage and the spiritual bond. Its so much more than just words, and nothing to do with cakes, dresses and rings.

I had to admit that I brought far more than myself to our marriage. I prayed for forgiveness for my past. For giving away what should have been Steven's. It was an amazingly freeing moment.I had been saved for years and had rededicated my life two years before. But this was something new. It gave me a different look at Steven, and at our commitment. God is so good.

I guess that might be why I feel such a burden for teenagers.They are at the place where I was where I began to give away things that didnt belong to me.



"I take you to be my cherished spouse. I promise to walk beside you in days of adversity as well as in days of great happiness.To be your help in creating a home for our family. To offer you a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on and a heart that understands. I pledge to you my undying love and constant faithfulness as your partner in ALL things. I promise to love you as an act of my will in the
presence OR absence of romantic love every single day. I commit to this promise wholly, and without reservation."

Book em' Dann-o

This weekend was the begining of the transition with the youth at our church. Rodney is gone and I will shock people by saying I am glad.. not that I didnt love Rodney and Tara. And not that I feel like they didnt do a good job. But I have been feeling the "winds of change" for some time now. I have felt the need for something different in my spirit for a long while.. maybe since the end of summer. It was like the house is built, now bring in a decorator. I'd never say that outloud, espcially right now while people are feeling so wounded by Rodney's departure.

It has amazed me at how much this youth ministry means to me. I didnt expect the burden that I feel. I certainly didnt expect to feel responsible for what happens there. But I do. It has to be a God thing. Because usually kids are my thing...like little kids. Its so amazing what God can do when he wants to make a change. I have all this experience with little kids. Puppet training and years of kids camps and VBS and missions trips to minister to 3rd world kids... yet I dont feel guilty one little bit for not working with the kids here. I fought it hardcore... even going as far as begining talks with Pastor Scott to get a puppet team started. I just cant get into it.

This weekend we met with the pastoral staff that is going to take care of things in the interim. Some people are talking.. saying that pastor Dority is not planning to find a youth pastor, and just leave things as they are now. Im not feeling that at all. Ive been praying for God to send us a fresh annointing and someone that is on fire.

We talked about a lot of security stuff. To be honest it was pretty depressing to hear. I hate that its necesary, and while I know that it's serious stuff. I absolutely hate the attitude that some people have. They are parents who attend maybe one youth activity a month. They arent invested in these kids and then they dominate the conversation with gloom and doom. Even going as far as to imply that the "problem" kids arent welcome. That we should tailor our youth ministry for the "church core kids" and do what we can to keep the riffraff out. It broke my heart. Of course there was nothing direct said. No one came out and said it in plain english, but thats the implication that was made.

I hate to tell "them" that Jesus did not hang out with the "church core kids" In fact he would have sat right in the midst of the "riff raff". I try to imagine him walking with them or sitting with them on the grass outside. He loves the church core kids... but they arent the ones that need to be reached. I dont mean to ignore them. I love those kids. I was one of them growing up. I want to reel MORE in to become core kids. But that wont happen unless we work with the riff raff.

A lot of changes are coming.. private security, and a metal detecting wand. The staff is finally being nailed down to actually HELP and hang with the kids. I will admit, I have been guilty of hiding in the kitchen and not taking as big a part as I should. But I do patrol outside, and walk around, Steven and I are almost always he last to leave. On wednesday nights I always sit in the middle of the kids. I hope that its as dramatic as Im hoping it will be.

a little ha ha for you

just one more...


Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned woman, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for a line-less tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

Happy Elizabeth's Birthday

Today is my best friend's 30th birthday. Somehow I am finding great glee in the fact that today is her birthday and not mine... well that SHE is 30, and I am still 29. Its sick, but I like it.. and I figure anything that makes you have a good day that isnt phamastical, or illegal is a pretty good thing huh? When she turned 16 first, I said to her "one day you'll be 30 first too.. and I will love it" turns out I was right. I do.

Elizabeth is my one true good best friend. I have several other people to whom I have been attatched to in my life... Joshua, and Amy H... and now my husband. But she is the one person I know loves me no matter what. No matter how long were apart we pick up right where we left off as if we only paused in our conversation.

She has proven herself. I know her. I know her tastes, her humor and her past. I know she loves lemons, and junk food. I know she likes old movies and that she eats onions and garlic and likes warm places and reading books. And she knows me.

I was in her wedding.. and she was in mine. We have been in eachothers lives since we were in the same kindergarten class.. we became best friends later than that, but still. She was there. When my Nana and Papa died she was there.Holding my head on when I thought it might blow off.

When my then fiance called from Saudi Arabia at 4 am and broke things off a few weeks before our wedding, my fingers dialed her number automatically without giving a thought to the hour. Her new husband was shocked im sure.. but she listened to me cry and never once said "I told you so" even though she had.

When I was floundering in self distruction, she didnt point it out, and when I dated jerk after jerk she listened to me as I justified my relationships. She was the person I called first when I found out I was pregnant with Thing 2 , and she didnt judge.. I knew I was safe with her. I still do.

Everyone needs one true good best friend. Im so glad I have mine... and that she is thirty.. and I am 29.. for 6 more months.

literary spillage

I dont really have anything specific to blog today.. nothing profound to say... not even a recipe to tempt my dieting friend with.. so you get random life stuff.

Last night was Pastor Rodney's last wednesday night with the kids. Youd think that they'd have been on best behavior. But not so. They were exceptionally bad. In fact I dont remember them acting out as badly as they did last night in a long time. Sad really. Im sure he will be glad to get gone from them. Makes me a little concerned for the future. Our kids pastor Scott is taking over, planning to make a lot of changes. Im a little nervous about that too. He is all about rules and regulations, and I am afraid that we will lose a lot of our kids if it gets to strict. But themn what kind of ministry are we doing if all we ever get to do is make sure that they arent killing one another, doing drugs on premesis, or worse. Im praying that it will be smoother than I imagine that its going to be.

Thing 2 is acting strangely. She is hungry all the time.. I mean like tapeworm hungry, but as soon as she eats she cries that her tummy hurts. She isnt constipated, and she doesnt want to throw up. But she acts like it really hurts. Im confused. I may have to end up tkaing her to the dr if it doesnt get better.

We talked to steven's ex last night.. it appears that the state has screwed us once again. Her tax refunds are sopposed to be coming to us to catch up back child support, but the way it looks to her tax preparer, nothing was done. They suck. I dont understand why it is so hard for them to understand that a man actually has custody of his child. Its not brain surgery, but there it is. GRRR once again, my vacation chances foiled.

The little man was a wild thing yesterday. He spilled things, he made messes and he threw fits. I was exhausted at the end of the day. I dont remember caitlin being this wild, ever. Mom says not even close. Maybe I want to reconsider my choice to try for another baby? I might get a little boy. they are scary.

The Age of Dinosaurs

" I love you, You love me.
We're a happy family
With a great big HUG and a Kiss
from me to you!
Wont you say you love me too?"

The time has finally come. The day is here, and I could not be happier. The Little man has officially discoverd BARNEY. Today we have watched "Barney's Imagination Island" twice and "BARNEY UNPLUGGED LIVE IN NY" in a constant loop. I love that purple guy.

Years ago, when I first discovered Thing 2 was on her way, I swore. To ALL that is holy, that no child of mine would be watching any mindless sappy purple dinosuar. There would be no barney sheets, lampshades or purple plushy animals. Most of all I would not waste the brain power of my daughter with that STUPID DINOSAUR. She even wore a tiny onesie that read "To Hip For Purple Dinosaurs."

And I did pretty well. I found "Baby Einstien" and classic Mickey Mouse. I put brain music on the cd player and read to her nonstop. Then it happened, one sunday morning when Caitlin was about 18 months old. I was flipping through channels, truely at the end of my Mommy rope. When passing the public television channel,I paused. I swear, only for a second to see if Sesame Street was on. But I was tooo late. There he was. Barney. A disgustingly bright and cheerful shade of Purple and singing about how special this was or how "super-de-dooper" that was. Thing 2 stopped mid scream. Dropped her sippy cup and tilted her head to the left, her eyes got glassy and She approached the tv with wonder.A huge smile appeared on her face. She began to rock back and forth to the unoriginal music. I was in big big trouble.

From that day forward we were a Barney household. When Steven and I began dating instead of the typical flowers, candy, and other meaningless love tokens, he brought me new barney tapes... and fed Thing 2's addiction.

She eventually grew out of the old purple guy. I've missed him. He and his companions BJ and Babybop lay abbandoned at the bottom of the stuffed animal crate, and her favorite Barney Pillow that I once ventured out in a rainstorm to recover from the van is no longer a sleep neccesity. In fact The little man slept on it this afternoon. I know that Thing 2's childhood wont last forever, it wont last long at all, but I will cling to it for all I am worth...

"Hey boys and girls! lets sail for Imagination island. get your hat, and hoist the mainsail... babybop dont forget your blankie!"

Hello? GPC dept? There has been a mistake.

I am begining to think that I have been touched by the "Generational Parental Curse" The GPC as I shall call it, is that epithet muttered by every parent in moments of exasperation and consternation. "I hope you have one ten times as bad as you." Only I am afraid something has gone terribly awry. I have recieved my younger sister's GPC!
As adults my sister and I have FINALLY found our friendship. I have grown far fonder of her in recent years than I was growing up. In fact since her move home to Alaska last summer, I miss that girl far more than I care to admit. I grieve for the years we lost fighting. But I love knowing that I am making a friend in her.I am proud of who she is and of her amazing musical talent. I love her very much. Now that I have made my mother bawl, I'll get back to what I was saying (Tina? I WIN.)
But as a kid and teenager? My younger sibling was emotionally delicate . She cried... all the time, over almost everything. Ask any number of my childhood friends to impersonate my kid sister growing up and they will without exception screw up thier faces and let out a whiney cry and say "I just dont feel good you guys.. leave me alone." With migrane headaches and likely mild depression. I'm sure she didnt feel good most of the time.. whatsmore, I wasnt the most understandng of sisters.. but what teenager is truely sypathetic to thier bratty kid sister? I didnt understand why she was so emotional all of the time. At that time I was somthing of a "cold fish" I didnt do emtotion and even now I know how to turn it off.
Through college I dreaded mornings. She HATED to get out of bed in the morning.. Granted, we did live in Alaska, and it was COLD. Even today, she drags herself from the covers and I think.. that were it acceptable for a grown woman to whine and throw fits? She throw the occasional one and return to her bed.Tina loves to sleep and I dont fault her for it. Its who she is.

if growing up with a crying whiney sister and not being nice about it is the joke?

here is the punchline....

Thing 2 is a walking breathing clone of my sister.

Thing 2 is in a "stage".(God help me if it isnt just a stage) That kid cries about everything. Her heart is shattered into a million pieces and she produces real tears at the drop of a hat. The weather isnt right, the dog is in her way, The little man pinched her, (ok so he DOES pick on Thing 2 for no apparent reason.Its the strangest thing. He is sweet to everyone else, but to Thhing 2? He is devil incarnate.)I am at a loss as to what to do for her.
This morning drew me so quickly back to my teen years I had to check myself to really believe that I was standing in my own hallway and not in the bathroom of the house I grew up in! Thing 2 did not under any circumstances want to go to school. She began wimpering as soon as she heard me wake her sister in the next room. She begain wailing in earnest when I stood in her doorway and informed her that this was friday and the 100th day of kindergarden, and that she needed to get out of bed so she and her father could go to the grocery store to buy 100 goldfish crackers to share with her classmates. Her response was. "I HATE 100 DAYS CELEBRATIONS. I hate school. AND I hate the jeans you layed out for me to wear today. They are "poofy" and I wont wear them." All of this was sqwawked at me before she even opened her eyes. When I informed her that yes she would be attending school and that the levis I had layed out were exactly like every other pair she owned and that she WOULD be wearing them.. the tears began to flow. She lay on the couch, turned to face inward and began to sob. Giant crocodile tears. Heartwrenching awful hicough causing tears. I think the GPC people need to check thier records. This is not funny.

the Score. IRS 1 Michele 0

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Well folks, we won the battle, but lost the war. Steven and I went to the local IRS office today. I presented them with our bill, our income and our output. I gave them our dependants and our credit score... I even offered them Dalton (funny they didnt even blink when I tried it.. I wasnt serious. SHEESH)

The outcome was ok.. not what Id hoped for...wich was a blank slate and a pat on the head telling me to "do better next time". But ok. We still owe the IRS $6,898.32. That fact remains.. and I was repeatedly reminded of this fact throughout the process. BUT the IRS will not garnish Steven's unemployment wages. They will also not require a monthly payment of us. We fall so deeply within the poverty level that we essentially have more bills monthly than we make... In fact when the little lady did all the input it came out that the IRS should actually be paying us a little over a dollar a month. When she brought her supervisor over to examine that fact she laughed heartily and said "ohh no that CANT be right." Personally I think it WAS right, but who am I?

In the end it came out.. we owe them our income tax refund every single year until the bill is paid off. It will still collect penalties and interest (24% yearly) until we pay them all of "thier" money. With all of our little EIC and child credits that should only take 2 years.

Stupidheads.

No vacation for Michele

Wahhhhh.

Grey's Anatomy

Ok. So "Grey's Anatomy" was SO good last night. Dr. Mcdreamy was soo dreamy. Its been a long long time since someone on tv has made me wanna swoon..Lemee tell ya girls.. he is a hottie... mabe a little short for my tastes but nonetheless dreamy. I tried explaining to my hairstylist who "Meredith" was so she could give me that sexy tousled look.. didnt go so well, now I just have perpetual bad hair days.

In case you are like.. um totally from another planet. Grey's is a show on CBS on sunday nights. It is following 5 surgical interns who live and work in in Seattle Washington. It is fab. I really love it.Its sooo much better than ER ever hoped to be... and believe me I LOVED ER. If you ARE in fact from another planet and are not familiar with the show go to www.cbs.com/greysanatomy to get the scoop and then start watchin! Youre really missing out on some of possibly the best stuff on tv. YAY

la cucracha OLE'!

We never went to Florence today.. ended up napping and watching public television till midafternoon.We recently rearranged the living room furniture and WALAH! We can get 4 channels of public tv. It wasnt a bad thing either. I LOVE cooking shows and saturdays all all full of obscure non-foodnetwork shows.. including Julia Child (How awesome is SHE?), Yan Can Cook, and a really fun one with the guys who own Carrabas Italian resturant (there is one at the beach.I WILL eat there next time Im at the beach). Then there was one I hadnt see before. A neat show called "America's Test Kitchen" came on and showed how to make authentic enchiladas and mexican rice nearly from scratch.. I figured hmmm "I can do that" (famous last words huh?). So like a terd of hertles we were off to the grocery store.

It wasnt really that hard. Mexican cooking is all about layering flavors, and I had a pretty good recipe to follow.AND I had my MAGIC BULLET BLENDER. That thing is the absolute BEST.Anyone who cooks at all needs one.

The Mexican rice is AWESOME. So easy and tastes JUST like the stuff you get at a really awesome mexican resturant or at this neat place I ate at in Mazatlan in college.

Mexican Rice Recipe

2 cups long grain rice
1 can chicken stock
4 tsp minced garlic (I used the stuff from a jar)
1 medium white onion pureed
2 meduim very ripe tomato pureed
1-2 jalapeno peppers seeded and viened then pureed
1 TBSP tomato paste
1 tsp salt
1/3 cup chopped cilantro
juice of 1/2 lime
1/3 cup CANOLA oil

In a collander rinse the rice until the water runs clear.Drain well. IN a deep pan (like a frying pan with high sides.. this is important so the rice will cook evenly)add the oil and heat until very hot. Add a few grains of rice and when they sizzle its hot enough. Add the rice and the garlic. Stir constantly until the rice is toasted. It will not turn colors, but it will make a "clicky noise" in the pan.

Add the chicken stock and the pureed veggies. Salt to taste. Stir all of this well and then cover. Place in an oven preheated to 350 for 45 minutes. Stir halfway.
Before serving mix in cilantro and squeeze lime over the top.


Enchilada Recipe.

I cant say that I will do this again. It takes forever long and the canned sauce is just as good. I liked mine better than the local Mexican resturants though.

1 large can plain tomato sauce
1 can rotell diced tomato with chiles
1/2 cup of chile powder (seems like a lot but you need it all)
1 onion pureed
2 tsp minced garlic (again with the jar)
1 tsp salt
3 medium chicken breasts sliced
1 can chicken stock
3 tbsp canola oil
3 cups shredded cheddar cheese
2 cups mexican mix cheese shredded
1 cup pureed cilantro
10-20 corn tortillas
pam spray

sour cream, guacamole, lettuce, diced tomato..

In a deep pan add oil and heat to hot. Add garlic and chile powder to make a paste. Cook for a few seconds stiring constantly. This brings out the flavor of the chiles
Add the chicken and stir well. Add the salt,tomato sauce, chicken stock, and Rotell.

Cook this until the chicken is done though.

Strain through a collander reserving both the sauce and the chicken.

In a separate bowl add cilantro and shredded cheddar to cooled chicken. Mix well

Spray both sides of the tortillas with Pam and place in a hot oven for 4-5 mintes until warm and pliable.

In the bottom of a lasagna pan place 1 cup of the sauce

fill tortillas wil chicken mixture and roll tightly. Place side by side until the pan is full. Top with remaining sauce and 2 cups of Mexican cheese mix

cover with foil and bake at 375 45 minutes.
serve with sour cream,guacamole and lettuce.
tasty.


It was an experience, and I can say that I did it well. But honestly. The canned stuff is just as good.. and not so messy.

Now I am listening to the COLD COLD wind blow and the trailer creak and moan. flannel jammies and hot tea. Feels so good.

Cheap date day

Its saturday. Our kids are absorbing junk food, second hand smoke, and hours of mindless cable tv cartoons at my Inlaws.. and we have very little money to entertain ourselves..I already cooked a nice breakfast and we spent the morning watching cartoons and relaxing.

I think we will ride to Florence. Visit Books A Millon (our poor excuse for B&N)get some coffees and browse till we are bored or fed up watching people.
And then go the mall so I can go to Bath and Body works. They have a huge sale on this week. All thier antibacterials are 5 for $10.. fantastic deal. YAY.Then maybe eat a late lunch at SONIC.. mmmm cheeseburgers.

then maybe head back to Dillon to see a movie at the movie theatre here in town. since we can see them here for free.. the only thing accaptable playing is "Fun with Dick and Jane" though. So if we decide to see a movie we might splurge and see one in Florence. Matinee for sure though! Ill have to look at the SwampFox Cinemas website to see if anything worth my precious cash is playing.I wish I could talk Steven into seeing "Brokeback Mountain" but he has already informed me that there will be no Gay Cowboys allowed. Stupidhead.

Or I think we have a netflix movie due in the mail today. "Little Black Book." We could come back home snuggle in and watch that. I even think I have some popcorn... ohh and spaghetti for dinner... or maybe we'll do both... ohhhh the options!!

I love kids free saturdays. Hope your weekend is equally as free and wonderful.

I see you baby...

So... I got something new on my blog. Im generally computer semi-literate. BUT I am figureing out this particular site. I added a counter and a site tracker thingee to my blog.(note the small pink and purple box atthe bottom of the screen) So now, when you visit, I see who you are, what time you came, how long you stayed, what your social security number is and if you changed your underwear this morning... just kidding. Its kinda neato to see how many people actually read this drivle.

yahoo for techno geeks like me.

Cautious Optimism

"I can see clearly now the rain is gone... I can see all the obstacles in my way.."


Things are looking a little better today. Our PC is feeling better. It isnt back to normal yet.. its formatted for a flat screen monitor, so all the pages look all foopy. Bendy and wierd. But it works, and thats what matters. THANK YOU PASTOR RANDY!!! (We love that guy)

Today Steven had his hearing with the unemployment people. We feel OK about it.They asked questions that Steven was able to answer honestly. His boss was the other party and he answered honestly also. We are praying for the best and hoping for complete approval.. send positive energy, prayers, money... our way :)


Still nothing on the job front. There just isnt much in Dillon.

I am gathering the needed paperwork for the IRS. Just waiting for DSS to come through with some papers and old check stubb copies I need and then we can go and plead our case to them... nervous about it.BUT at least the very worst that they could do would be to take our 2005 refund... it would be lame for sure, but we'd survive it.

Anywho.. things are looking better. Thank the Lord.

Sombody get the Girl an Umbrella

You know how they say "When it rains it pours."? Well I do not rightly know who "they" are.. but "they" are correct.


We owe the IRS... almost $7000 ($7 bazillion). Shocked? Me too. Thats over half of what we made last year. We got the bill last week.Seems that the State of Alaska has kindly fogiven me my student loan bill. How nice of them right? I wasnt paying it... had no ability to. But they were so sweet and just wiped that bill clean. I knew about this. I did a little happy dance and filed the little letter they sent informing me of thier kindness away.

Stupidheads.


It was taxable income.


I didnt know about that... so I filed our very first joint income tax thingee online last year... I didnt include that information.We got a super nice refund, and went to Disneyworld with it..

Stupid mouse.


So anyway with all that "free" money Alaska gave me. We were in a rich person tax bracket. Lame.

So tommorow we are going to file whats called an OIC. And hope that the very very nice lady/man in the IRS office will like me and steven a lot. And that "they" will agree that since we are living on unemployment and foodstamps that we will be more than totally screwed if we have to come up with $7 bazillion dollars. AND that furthermore we will not be likely able to EVER pay it all off even if we have an "easy low monthly payment" since the IRS has like a 23% interest rate. PRAY folks. I need them to REALLY like me.


That brings us further to the unemployment. Blanton Supplies appealed the payment of Steven's unemploymemnt


Stupidheads

So he has an over the phone hearing on friday. According to the paper they sent there is a possibility that not only could the benefits STOP? We may have to pay back the benefits they have paid us so far. Holy CRAP!!! I say.. since we have like less than no money.. especially since we owe the IRS like $7 bazzillion dollars.

The youth pastor that we work under at the church resigned. He is leaving the end of this month. It doesnt affect us financially at least. But we are really sad... and it creates a bunch of work.. and some very sad teenagers. Its lame.

Our computer is still dead.

Our electric wiring to the kitchen may or may not have been chewed by a mouse/mice.

I hate being a grown up.

technical difficulties

Our PC crashed. Im not sure how to fix it. It's windows and everytime I turn the thing on it gives me this scary, mean, blue screen that says UNMOUNTABLE BOOT VOLUME. And then a whole bunch of other stuff that I dont understand. It instructs me to logg on under "safe mode" and fix whatever is dissagreeing with it... however it wont do it.. noway huh uh no how. It acts like it might.. and then just send me back to the "bad place" It is one very sick machine.

Steven, who knows just enough about software to be dangerous, cant do anything with it either. His ex sister-in-law, our resident computer expert has not returned any of our calls.. it may be because I was kind of rude at xmas.. not totally rude.. just a teeny bit.. and not even to her. Just to Jaime. What did they expect coming to MY house on xmas day RIGHT AT DINNER TIME?

So anywho.. I did not die and I am not mad at anyone.. just technically challenged. lame. I hate it. Especially since I am just now getting into big time vacation planning.

We decieded that since Steven is unemployed, as soon as we get tax refunds back would be a smart time to take a vacation.. take advantage of the time off.. wich is risky. Because we are assuming that he will get a job shortly after we return. Otherwise we we will totally regret spending the money. I dont know what to do.


Ill have more news later... but be warned my blogging will be "spotty" for a while since the only computer access Ihave will be at my mom's.

love to you all :)